1. Each time you want to start your noisy “I better pass my neighbour” generator, place it by your neighbour’s window. If they complain about it, tell them “that’s how I want it.”
2. When you’re watching a football match with other people, wait until a team is making a move that is likely to result in a goal, then stand right in front of the TV, and say, “check me out.” Or better yet, just switch off the TV at that point.
3. Visit the ATM when there is a long queue of people waiting under the scorching heat of the sun, ignore the long queue, head straight for the ATM, and try to make your withdrawal.
4. When it’s a day to your exams, when everyone is reading in the library, break the silence by using your foot to rub a bottle-top against the ground. If you’re told to stop, tell them it helps you assimilate better.
5. Give your dog the name, “Dog”.
6. Do not add any inflection (lowered tone) to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you still have more to say.
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Disassemble your pen and deliberately flip the ink cartridge across your room.
9. Adjust the color tint on your TV so that everything appears green, and insist to others that “green is your best color.”
10. Wear a bright pink shirt over a lemon green skirt/pair of trousers. Add a sky blue shoe to match, and top it with a white hat.
11. Pay for everything you buy with N5 notes only — even when you spend N10,000.
12. While driving, park right in the middle of the road, and bring out a newspaper to read.
13. When you see someone reading, stand over their shoulder and read aloud what you see in their book.
14. Ask anyone you just meet what gender they are
15. Insist on obviously wrong facts, such as saying it’s a Saturday when it’s actually a Tuesday.
16. Leave your home decorated with lit Christmas lights until September.
17. Chew on pens that you borrowed.
18. Use too much perfume.
19. At every gathering, reserve an extra seat for your handbag, even when there are no chairs for others.
20. Never make eye contact when talking to others.
21. Never break eye contact when talking to others.